“Things are going to change for you very soon, girl. I know because that’s what I want for you. I just want you to be happy,” that’s what my friend Alyssa said to me as I discussed my plans for the future. I had just applied for an internship at Luna Racing, a new electric car race team that will be big very soon. Since I applied I’ve been checking my phone and my email for any updates multiple times a day but there weren’t any. I brushed it off since I had just signed up two days ago but I still wanted to be sure.
“It’s not that easy, Aly.”
“It is destined for you, B. You deserve it after all you’ve endured.” B was my nickname since I hated my name Bianca.
“That’s exactly why I feel this could all end horribly for me.”
“Why are you so pessimistic?”
“I don’t know. It might be because I almost drowned when I was ten or because I had to miss one of the most important exams of my life because I was really sick with the flu. Maybe because I couldn’t even get the job I wanted at a Halloween store last month. A simple retail job, Alyssa,” I explained with my voice slightly cracking.
“That’s a valid reason to think but why would this internship thing be so bad if it doesn’t work out for you?” She looked at me with her bright blue eyes. Almost doll-like.
“A lot of reasons. Corporate life is one of the main ones.”
“What’s so bad about corporate life?” She’s so out of it which pushes me off the edge sometimes.
“What is so bad? Everything. The cheap cubicles, the 9 to 5 schedule, and routine life just to give you an idea.”
“It won’t be bad, B. It’s better than working at a fast food place,” she told me and held my hand. I didn’t take her opinions into consideration anyways. She has always given me unsolicited relationship advice even though all her relationships have ended badly.
“I’m going to find out soon when I get rejected,” I told her and stood up to start walking towards my bicycle.
“Everything is going to work out,” she told me as I got on my bike.
“Yeah. Just like it has worked out for you. See you later,” I said as I pedaled away, going to no particular place. I was probably going to get lost but maybe that wasn’t too bad. I had my phone with me after all.
I felt the breeze hit me and saw a few leaves falling. I loved autumn so much and I was surrounded by it. The leaves’ colors had started to change and the grass was starting to look pale. Some houses had clean lawns and others had many leaves on the ground, giving me a scenic experience not too far away from home. That’s when I saw him for the first time.
In one of the clean lawns sat a young man playing with some dominoes. He had to be close to my age and his appearance was hard to ignore. I immediately stopped my bike to talk to him.
“What are you doing there?” I asked him and he looked up at me with his gray eyes.
“Domino toppling. What about you?” He looked back down at his dominoes but I kept staring at him. He had wavy black hair but had a few sporadic white hairs but not like an old person.
“Just going around the block. I just came back from visiting a friend.”
“That’s nice,” was all he said but I kept staring.
“What’s your name?”
“Lysander. What about yours?” He looked up at me again and I couldn’t help but feel a bit nervous he had noticed my staring.
“B. It’s actually Bianca but please call me B.”
“Cool,” he said and looked down again. He had quite the set up built already.
“How old are you?”
“Twenty. You?” He didn’t look up this time.
“Close. Nineteen. What’s up with your dominoes?” I said, trying to spark a conversation with him.
“It’s my hobby. I really like domino toppling. I’m waiting to hear back from Luna Racing so I need something to keep my mind busy.” I was so thankful he wasn’t looking because I’m sure I looked really surprised. Like, my whole face probably lit up and my mouth had to be wide open as well.
“For the internship?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh my God. Me too. This is crazy,” I couldn’t help but smile and then he looked at me. He looked as pale as the fall atmosphere that surrounded us.
“Kind of. I just want something more from life, you know?” I did know because I longed for the same thing.
“Yeah, same. Do you have social media or something you can give me to keep in touch about the Luna stuff?”
“Nope.” He looked down again and placed more dominoes in front of others.
“Can I have your number then?”
“My mother doesn’t let me give my number to girls,” he told me which sounded so silly I had to let out a laugh.
“At twenty?”
“Yeah. You can still come around though. Especially since we’re waiting for our internship stuff.” I immediately said to myself “I’ll take it” and did so everytime I could.
Things started changing since I met Lysander but I can’t really tell how or why.
My life in college was boring and I didn’t have many friends I actually got along well with. I just went to class and left which was only twice a week but I mostly did online school. I only ever talked to Alyssa though I took everything she told me with a grain of salt and lately I had found myself thinking about Lysander while I was with her. I actually enjoyed talking to him more even if I hadn’t talked to him much. He just has something.
I rode my bike to his house almost everyday. The only time I’d not go to see him was when it rained since I knew he wasn’t going to be outside. I also didn’t want his mom to see me and get him in trouble therefore I stayed outside.
The day after I met him I went right back to his house and he was right there on his front lawn setting up his dominoes. His hair looks extra shiny because of the light which made him look more surreal.
“Hey,” I just told him as I got off my bike. He looked at me which made me feel just like it had the day before.
“Hi.” He seemed somewhat shy but I could work with that.
“How’s your setup going?”
“It’s alright,” he said as he lined up some more dominoes. I just stared.
“You know, I’d never met someone with that hobby before.”
“Yeah. I get that a lot,” he said and lowered his voice as he continued to build his setup.
“I find that cool. Really unique,” I said, trying to stroke his ego more even though I also truly believed it.
“Riding a bike around is also really cool.” I laughed.
“Thank you but I know it’s not. Nothing obscure or unique about that.” He looked up now and looked at me with a serious expression.
“I like how committed you are. Just like how you are with Luna Racing.” He didn’t look away this time as if he knew what he was doing. Luna Racing is my ticket to pure joy and it also meant the same to the coolest attractive guy I’ve ever met which only made it better. Now he still had his gaze on me and I slightly felt weak.
“Right. Luna Racing. Have you heard from them, by the way?” I tried to play it cool but I also wanted to know if they had started responding to applicants yet.
“No. Have you?” Relief.
“Me neither.”
“Damn. Well that’s unfortunate for us isn’t it?” He finally looked down again so I was able to compose myself again.
“I guess so.” We stayed in silence for a while.
“How long have you been doing this?” I asked him since I always saw him setting up dominoes to eventually make them all fall on top of each other.
“For like two hours. I haven’t really checked.” I don’t know if he was fooling me with that reply.
“No, silly. I meant for how long have you been into domino runs.” He looked up and his hair fell to his face prompting him to move it off his face.
“For around five years but I have been more consistent with it in the last two years. I’m aware of how weird it is. It works for me though,” he explained and kept looking at me with those gray eyes of his making me weak.
“I don’t think it’s weird, Lysander,” I said rather quickly and without thinking but it was what I thought.
“Thanks,” was all he said.
“You’re very welcome.” He just briefly looked at me and went back to what he was doing. Sometimes I feel like I bother him in some way but I think it’s just because I admire him so much.
“Lysander, I should probably just let you do your thing now. I’ll come back soon enough to chat and to know how your Luna Racing plans are going,” I said as I got on my bike.
“You can stay longer. You don’t bother me at all.” I tried to keep a straight face but I was dying inside. I’d definitely stay there forever with him.
“Thanks but I have things to do. See you tomorrow,” I told him before speeding off to go to Alyssa’s house to tell her about him.
~
I knocked on her door and her mom opened it.
“Is Alyssa here?”
“Yes. What do you need her for?” She replied with her arms crossed.
“Just to say hi and chat a bit. I haven’t seen her in a bit,” I explained and she sighed.
“Alright. Come in,” she said before telling Alyssa I was here.
“Hey. You finally remembered I exist?” Aly said timidly with her arms crossed and looking everywhere except in my direction. She could be very dramatic sometimes.
“Of course I remember you exist, Aly. There’s a great explanation to all of this and you’ll understand when I tell you.”
“Luna Racing finally reached out?” She asked me, ruining the mood. That’s the real reason I avoid her sometimes but I never say anything.
“Not yet but I’m not the only one waiting on hearing back from them. Could we talk in your room though?” I looked at the kitchen where her mom stared at us from the kitchen. Now Aly sighed.
“Yeah. Whatever. I’ll be back, mom,” she said as she started to walk to her room and I followed her. I could still feel her mom’s eyes on me.
“I’m really sorry for disappearing, Aly. I really mean it,” I told her as we went to her room.
“Yeah, I know. Who’s also waiting for the race thing now?” I smiled.
“Lysander. One of our neighbors here, though he lives a bit further away from us.” I couldn’t help but smile as I said it.
“Who has lice where we live?” She asked me with a straight face. I frequently thought about cutting her off and I started to consider it right now.
“No one. From what I know at least. I mean Lysander. Lysander wants to be part of Luna Racing.” She put her blonde hair in a ponytail.
“Who’s that?”
“You don’t know him? He’s like the coolest guy I’ve ever met. I met him when I was riding around the block on my bike,” I explained and she still looked lost but she brushed it off.
“I don’t know him but I’m happy for you, I guess. What’s so cool about him? Other than your shared hyper fixation on this team stuff.”
“He’s always playing with dominoes and creating new set ups for domino runs. Isn’t that unique, right ?”
“Dominoes?” Her blue eyes stared at me.
“Yeah. I know it’s rare but I like that, Aly,” I explained leaving me feeling somewhat empty in a way.
“You do you, girl. Good luck to you two.” She smiled shyly.
“Thank you. I think I could really like him but I think his mom doesn’t let him date anyone.” I know this sounded so absurd for someone our age.
“How old is he?”
“Twenty.”
“Even weirder. Are you sure he’s real, B?” She placed her hand on my shoulder.
“What? Of course he’s real. I literally just saw him before coming here, Aly,” I said and she pulled away.
“I trust you, girl. Now, I have to get ready for a date I have so I kinda need you to leave.” Yeah, that was my friend.
~
I thought a lot about Lysander and saw him anytime I could. I thought about how it would be like if we were both able to join Luna Racing which would make us have to move to Florida which would allow us to actually be together. Another win for me. But not everything I thought about us was pretty.
The issue of having someone so dear to you working towards a common goal that is uncertain and you have no control over has some downsides. What if only he got the opportunity? I’d be so happy for him and be very proud but I would at least sometimes think that should’ve been me. It could be possible since he’s a guy and I’m a girl. Women still struggle in the motorsport industry due to not being taken seriously enough. He had an advantage. This goal we share could make or break us and I don’t know how we would handle that. I tried not to think about that but it was hard not to. Lysander changed me. That was completely true. I still couldn’t help but admire him as I saw him while standing beside my bike.
“How did you get into the domino stuff? I’ve never asked you before.” He looked up at me. I wanted him to always look at me like that.
“The domino effect. I was looking into it and I just ended up wanting to see it for myself. Like, in a literal sense.”
“The domino effect?”
“Yeah. It’s everywhere and it can really change the course of things,” he kept explaining as he finished lining them up.
“How?”
“A single thing, action, or event can alter the course of life gravely. It can all come crashing down in a second, just as if one of these dominoes tumbled,” he paused and looked up but I was just looking at him while listening.
“Go on,” I told him.
“We can see this in trends and politics but also in our daily lives. We just have to choose what we’ll do after the dominoes fall,” he said firmly and confidently. An intellectual for sure.
“What are our choices?” I asked as he looked at me with his honey brown eyes.
“After the dominoes fall,” he started saying and tumbled the first domino getting the run going, “We have to choose between starting over or just leaving them there. Though, if you choose to set them back up it’s not guaranteed to be the same but it might be close. It all depends on what you want to do and how.”
“But you’re setting them up like every day,” I said and chuckled.
“But I never try to mimic the one I had previously done before.” He looked so serious and I was really liking that.
“Do they always work well?”
“Not always but that’s just life, you know?” It made sense to me so I went with it.
“You're really smart, Lysander,” I blurted out and then stopped myself from telling him more flattering comments. I didn’t want to overdo it but it was hard not to.
“You think so?” He looked at me so softly with a shy smile.
“Yeah, I do.” I just wanted to reach out to him and touch him. Just place my hand on his cheek and feel it. Feel him.
“It’s just dominoes. I’m not smart because of that.” I fought the urge to tell him it really meant something but I just met him a few weeks ago. It was too soon but he was so easy to get lost in.
“You see it that way. I see it differently,” was all I said as I got on my bike. I thought I should just leave before I mess things up.
“Why?” He asked me. I wanted to tell him so badly but I shouldn’t.
“I need to get going, Lysander. We can go deeper on the topic next time. Bye bye,” I said and sped off. That’s when I knew this was going to be harder than any romantic or platonic relationship I’ve ever had.
~
I was starting to avoid Lysander a bit to control my emotions with this whole situation but it was hard. I was lucky that it rained the two days after our last encounter, giving me a reason not to go. I thought distance would be the solution but I quickly realized it wasn’t. Distancing myself from him physically didn’t help me as much as I thought because we had something keeping us glued together until I don’t know how long: Luna Racing.
Luna Racing was my goal, my escape, and part of my identity. It’s odd but it really feels like it. It’s also something that matters to Lysander so much that it’s hard not to think of him every time I check if they’ve reached out or when I see any updates about them. I wanted us to work there together because it’s important to us and that has a huge impact on how you view a person. It’s a type of admiration I’d never experienced before and I don’t know how to feel about it.
After the rainy days I did go to his house. I kept it brief when I’d talk to him trying to avoid anything related to his ideas or our common goal but that was obviously impossible.
“Heard back from Luna, busy bee?” He asked me, adding a new take on my nickname at the end.
“No. I’m also not a ‘busy bee’.”
“It looks like it though,” he said as he picked up some dominoes. I looked at his hands and found them so delicate. He then looked at me.
“How so?” I raised my eyebrow.
“I don’t see you as often anymore. Even when there’s no rain you don’t stop by like you used to. You must be busy and I’m alright with that.” I felt slightly embarrassed by the fact that he noticed it.
“Um yeah. That totally is one of the top reasons I haven’t been around much. I’m sorry.” I looked down.
“One? So there are more?” I made it worse for myself apparently.
“Yeah…like the weather and not feeling well have also played a role in me not being able to come by,” I said and shyly looked up. He was still looking at me which made me blush out of embarrassment.
“You were sick? I’m so sorry about that, B. I wasn’t complaining about it, I just found it kinda weird you hadn’t come by.” Maybe he knew at least a little bit of why I’m distancing myself from him. I hope I’m wrong about that.
“I know. You don’t seem like someone that would do that,” I said somewhat quietly which made me wonder if he even heard what I said.
“You also seem like a person that wouldn’t think that.” I felt cold and I couldn’t find words to respond to him.
“Lysander…” was all I was able to say and he smiled shyly.
“I still can’t date though,” he said. I was definitely exposed at that moment.
~
I kept seeing Lysander even though that whole thing happened between us. I still didn’t go often as I thought it would do something but he was still very present in my mind. He was very present to the point where sometimes I couldn’t even read without being reminded of him in some way. I was reading a romance book and in an ironic way the two main characters met because they worked for a race team together leading them to eventually start dating. There were scenes of them at the paddock where the male main character would surprise her when she was overwhelmed with work which led to some sweet moments together which made me long for our lives at Luna Racing. Everything sounded too pretty sometimes. Like a dream almost.
I checked and checked my emails, voicemail box, texts, and even the team’s website but there was nothing. There were no updates for my application that I started to wonder if Lysander is also having the same issue. I also just miss his presence. I guess I missed his light but I also want to know what’s going on with the team. Outside of him I’ve always wanted an opportunity like that. He was just a plus. In a way, Luna Racing was why I liked Lysander so much. I don’t think I would’ve ever been so interested in him otherwise. Alyssa supported it which was odd but I’ll take it. She was happy with her last date which I think played a role in her support. Or she wanted money. Either way I ended up in front of Lysander’s house.
“Hey,” I said shyly as I got off my bike. It looked as if he had already tumbled down all the dominoes either accidentally or on purpose. He looked up at me with his gray eyes making my heart skip a beat.
“Hi. It’s been a bit since I’ve seen you.” He started picking up the dominoes.
“Yeah. I’m sorry about that. Life has just been weird lately. Are you done with your domino thing?”
“Yeah. Kind of unplanned but I’m done for today,” he said, reminding me of the day he explained his fascination with dominoes.
“Knocked them down accidentally?”
“Yeah.”
“I guess you just didn’t feel like settling it up again?” He placed a few more in a tin and smiled before looking at me again.
“You know me so well,” he told me, making me run cold. I was dying to tell him I felt the same way about him but it was no use. It would just be stupid of me to say.
“I don’t think I know that much. I just pay attention a lot.” Especially to you.
“I’ve noticed. I really appreciate it. Truly.” He nodded and continued putting his things away.
“Have you heard back from Luna Racing?” I just blurted out to stop thinking about everything that hasn’t happened yet.
“I haven’t. Have you? I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of losing hope.” He chuckled. I felt as if I was starting to get dizzy.
“I haven’t either but I don’t feel like giving up yet. Not until they give me a yes or a no. What’s going on, Lysander?” He looked at me and I felt slightly embarrassed by my reaction but I couldn’t help it.
“Hey, I’m not giving up. I’m just slightly put off by the whole thing. I’m still waiting and I’d be thrilled if they’re interested. It’s just a bit tiring at this point since it’s been like two months.” I hadn’t realized it had already been that long. As put off as I was I could see his point as I felt the same sometimes. The difference is that for me Luna Racing is the best possible opportunity I can have right now. I could definitely find more opportunities in another state or country but these are the cards I was dealt with. I’m a very unlucky person which is what also made me doubt so much about Luna.
“I get that but please, don’t give up. Do it for me please?” He smiled. His eyes crinkled making him look even softer than usual.
“I will, B. I promise,” he said, making me feel so many things I couldn’t explain. Lysander made me feel so many things I couldn’t explain and that only made me more drawn to him.
“Thank you, Lysander.” I smiled.
“You’re very welcome.” He smiled back before picking up the last few dominoes that were on the ground.
“You’re all done for the day, I see. I should get going then.”
“You don’t have to go yet,” he told me but I didn’t want to hold him back much longer.
“You already packed it all up. I don’t want to hold you back, Lysander. Thanks though,” I said as I started getting on my bike.
“Alright, B. As you wish.” Once I got on my bike I thought of one more thing I felt like telling him at that moment. So I called his attention one last time before I made my way home.
“Lysander, you're the coolest and most interesting person I’ve ever met. Don’t forget that.” I told him, he just smiled and waved at me before I left.
I felt the cold breeze on my face and my bare hands as I zoomed through the neighborhood. It was definitely getting colder and I should probably wear gloves next time. On the bright side it was good because it distracted me from all the thoughts I had about the racing team and Lysander. There were time periods that I felt hopeless and this was one of them. While he made me more hopeful I was still aware about reality. Maybe all I had were those emotional boosts I’d get when I saw him and that was all.
That’s what I went looking for the next day when I went to his house but he wasn’t in the front yard. His dominoes were also missing meaning he probably wasn’t doing anything outside. It was weird since at first I’d see him here everyday but maybe he just got busy and I had already been showing up less often so something could’ve happened then. Maybe the team finally reached out to him. I brushed it off and continued my stroll around the neighborhood as I did before meeting Lysander.
After only going a few feet away from his house my bike caught a pebble making me fall and scrape in the cement road. I cursed as I felt I was falling. Everything hurt from my hands, my arms, and especially my knee. I looked down and saw some blood on my knee. I scraped it. Of course I did. I wanted to clean it up and put on a bandaid but I didn’t have any with me to do that which meant I had to do it at home. I got up and got on my bike again to continue my way home even though my knee hurt so much. This wasn’t the worst bike ride I had in the next two weeks.
The following two days I went to his house hoping to see him but he was nowhere to be found. Not a single thing that could indicate he had been doing his usual domino run prep he always did. Not a sweater or blanket in sight to indicate he might still be doing anything in his yard. By the fourth day I decided to check his backyard to see if he was there. There was a fence which made it hard to look in which made me have to get creative. I looked for something to step on which took me a while but I was able to find a rock that was quite big which I thought would do the trick. I placed one leg on it to test my balance then I placed the other and put my hand on the fence to balance myself. I was trying not to hurt myself again but it quickly backfired as soon as I put my hand on the wooden fence. I could immediately feel a couple of splinters on my hand. I wasn’t going to stop at this point. I need to know therefore I put my hands on top of the fence and stood on my tip toes to look. There was a table, some chairs, and a grill but not a single sign of Lysander. Just a calico cat that meowed at me. I wondered if the cat was his but I also wondered about him not engaging in his favorite hobby anymore. I was tempted to knock on his door but I didn’t want him to get in trouble with his parents. Once again it felt hopeless.
~
I didn’t go to his house for the next three days, which meant all I was doing was wait to hear from Luna, ride my bike, read, and talk to my few friends when I felt I needed to interact with people my age. The issue was that my mind liked to play unfunny jokes on me while I talked to them. I could chat with them, play a board game or go out but I would frequently end up thinking about how different it was with Lysander. How easy it was to speak to him and share all of my hopes and dreams as well as nightmares. I longed for that kind of connection again but I also longed for him. Ever since he showed me that I was able to connect and feel this way about someone I didn’t want anything else ever again. If I was going to be with someone romantically or even just being interested in someone, he had to make me feel happier and more like myself by just their presence. Settling for something else now felt so hollow and I was tired of that.
I started spending more time with Alyssa again but she could tell something was off.
“B, is something going? Did the lunatic team reject you?” She asked which made me question if this came from an actual concern or from a secret desire she has for me to fail.
“It’s called Luna Racing. But I haven’t heard from them yet.” I don’t think I made enough effort to hide the disappointment in my voice.
“Then, what’s up girl? Has Lysander heard back from them and now you’re sad they haven’t reached out to you?” Of course she remembered him.
“No. Actually, I haven’t seen him in like a week,” I said slightly embarrassed.
“You seriously haven’t seen him in a week? I can’t believe that from you.”
“Me neither but I haven’t seen him in his front yard lately. I’m getting tempted to knock on his door and see if he gets the door or ask about him to whoever opens the door. I just think it’s too soon and I also think his mom wouldn’t be very happy to see me,” I looked down at my feet noticing the dirt that stuck on my shoes when I took a peek at his backyard. Thinking about it now I feel as if I’m going mad.
“B, I’m sorry. I know you really enjoy talking to him.” I think saying I enjoy talking to him is an understatement but I didn’t correct her. It’s better if she doesn’t know.
“Thank you. I just miss how we get each other, you know? I’d never met someone like that before.” Alyssa sat next to me on her bed and put an arm around me to give me a side hug.
“I know and I’m sorry. I think you should give it a few more days and if you don’t see him outside you should knock on his door,” she said and gave me a sympathetic smile. I rarely ever took her unsolicited advice but this seemed rational so I actually followed through with it. I think that’s where I messed up the most.
I went day after day for four days straight. The first two days I just made my way to his house as per usual but once again there was no sight of him. By the third day I took another look at his backyard and all I could see was the same calico cat that was peacefully sleeping this time. I wondered what its name could be, which only made me want to see Lysander more to ask him about the cat in his backyard. The fourth day was just as disappointing and it started to get to me. I knew something was off. Something had most definitely happened and that got to me as I made my way to my house to the point I had to stop my bike for a bit to sit and think. I got overwhelmed thinking about what could’ve happened to him. Maybe he went on a long vacation or he was seriously ill. Maybe he had heard back from Luna and was already in Florida. That possibility scared me not only because he did get the opportunity and I still haven’t gotten mine but it was actually worse because that would mean he hid something so important from me. That’s when I knew I had to knock on the door and get it over with.
~
I rode my bike all the way to his house even though the sky looked cloudy. When I got there there was no sign of him, just like the past two weeks. I took a deep breath and walked to his door which I just stared at for like a minute or two. Maybe possibly getting him into trouble wasn’t the best thing I could do but I needed answers. I finally knocked on the door and I started hearing someone walk to the door. I got nervous at just the thought of seeing him again but I felt more nervous when a woman opened the door. She looked quite young to be his mom which I could only think about how I hoped to look like her when I’m older.
“Good afternoon, miss. Is Lysander here?” I asked respectfully.
“Um, you are?” I started to regret knocking on the door.
“Bianca but people call me B. I’m Lysander’s friend, sort of. I always saw him in the front yard so I just thought he lived here,” I explained but the more I spoke the more concerned she looked.
“No Lysander lives here. What do you mean you’ve seen your friend in our front yard?” My face fell and I felt as if she was pranking me.
“What do you mean? I even saw him come in here once. There’s no way you haven’t noticed.” I insisted but she kept up with her stupid joke.
“Bianca,” she said before I cut her off to correct her.
“B. It’s B.”
“Well, B, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I started getting agitated with her. I started breathing heavily as she spoke.
“What do you mean? How could you not know about a guy named Lysander that lives with you.”
“Sweetie, I only live here with my husband,” she said and I cursed before responding.
“Is he your husband then? Please stop messing with me. This is important. I need to know about Lysander,” I could feel a lump forming on my throat as my voice cracked. I started thinking that he might’ve been married but she still looked too old for him.
“My husband’s name is Matthew. The only Lysander I know is the son of the previous owner of this house.” I felt some relief knowing he wasn’t married and also understanding why he might’ve been around.
“Thank you. Where can I find him or at least contact him?” She looked at me with sorry eyes.
“I…I don’t think we’re talking about the same Lysander,” she said, making me desperate again.
“What do you mean? This isn’t funny.” I tilted my head slightly.
“What I mean is Lysander passed away in 2010,” she told me, which was obviously a cruel joke.
“Stop. This isn’t funny. That can’t be true.”
“It is the truth.” Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
“No, it’s not,” I pleaded and my voice cracked again.
“I understand it can be hard to understand grief even after many years,” she said and I looked at her with dead eyes.
“What grief? He’s alive. He’s real. Lysander is alive because I saw him two weeks ago. We’re even trying to work together.”
“I told you that you might’ve mixed them up,” she said with a sympathetic tone. I didn’t buy that.
“Do you have a picture of your Lysander?” I asked confused and trembling. She told me to wait there and she went inside before coming back with her phone in her hand.
“I should have a picture of him here just let me look.” I could see her scrolling through her camera roll. Licked my lips.
“Ok,” was all I was able to say.
“I think I found it. Yes, this is him,” she said and showed me the picture. It was him. It was Lysander.
“That’s him. That’s literally him. Can I come in and see him? This isn’t funny,” I said and tried to go inside but she blocked the door.
“B, sweetie, nobody is inside the house except for me,” she told me but I insisted.
“Stop! Lysander come out, please!” I yelled desperately and I felt a tear run down my face.
“Honey. He’s not here,” she said with her stupid almost expressionless face.
“Where can I find him then?” I asked as a last resort.
“How can I put it lightly? You cannot find him anywhere except the cemetery,” she said and I just wanted to scream. This is the worst joke someone has played on me. I could help but curse before responding to her.
“Really? Where is said cemetery located at?” I asked all fed up but she actually gave me an address.
~
I saw the tombstone on the grave of the boy I admired and loved the most. The one that was supposed to work at Luna Racing with me. The date wasn’t recent either. It dated back to August 9th in the year 2010 just as the lady told me. I touched it. I dragged my fingers over the engraved date and on his name. It was real. Lysander has been dead since 2010. His body, his dead body, was buried here. Whoever I ever talked to, made plans with, and appreciated so much was never there. It wasn’t real. Nothing was. Not the dominoes, not our shared dreams, or how wise he was. Was the real Lysander like the one I knew and grew fond of? I don’t know and I never will. Once I came into that realization it all hit me and I started crying right there. Sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. I ended up laying on the ground and just bawling my eyes out for I don’t know how long. This event felt like a catalyst for even more bad things to happen to me.
Once I couldn’t cry anymore I stood up after realizing it was getting cloudy which prompted me to get on my bike and make my way home. As I started peddling I heard some distant thundering but didn’t think much about it or about nothing really. All that was on my mind was that I had just visited the tomb of who I thought would be a part of my life for a very long time. Another thunder struck this time it sounded closer making me peddle harder. Once I was speeding through the neighborhood rain started falling. It was some light rain at first but quickly turned into pouring rain. I just kept peddling even if I couldn’t feel my cold wet clothes stuck to my body just like my hair. I pushed through the rain until I got home.
Three days after I found out Lysander was dead, the news broke out that Luna Racing was all a scam. There was no race team or internship opportunities. It was all fake too. I wasn’t going to work at a race team alone either. All the hope I had about life finally starting to look up for me was completely fake. Just an illusion. I never actually had it in the first place, I just thought I did and that’s when I started feeling like I just went back to my old self. The old me that was just completing empty tasks day by day. All of my other plans unrelated to the race team felt so far away from my current reality. Almost everything I did now had all been for nothing. I couldn’t help but wonder when I was going to feel like I did when I really thought I had a chance to work at a race team and I had found someone who wanted the same thing as me. I think I’ll have to wait a few more years for that. Once again, life had laughed at me. I’ll eventually get the last though.