Coming from a family like mine, people think I’m incapable of loving anyone as I’m unfamiliar with it. Since I can remember, my family’s life revolved around stealing in one way or the other as well as trying to avoid the consequences as much as possible. My grandfather, Geraldo, was locked away in jail for robbery, larceny, fraud, and other kinds of theft when my mother had just turned twenty. My grandmother is yet to be caught, as well as my parents. Who am I kidding? Almost everyone in my family, including me, have been partaking in some form of theft but haven't been caught yet. A few of us are being searched for but we’ve been sneaky enough to live our lives without getting locked away too. For us, theft is like a family business and I’m one of the owners.
From a young age my siblings and I started being trained to steal in one way or the other. We started by stealing from our cousins, to pickpocketing, and eventually started stealing from stores. I’d first take candy or small toys but as I grew older I started taking more valuable stuff like clothing. When I was thirteen I finally stole my first piece of jewelry which made my parents proud. They encourage us to keep doing it and to try to get more valuable items every time which I always complied to, even if it got me expelled from school once. Not like it mattered as we moved around often.
While continuing to partake in our troubling family tradition there was something in the back of my mind that I couldn’t escape. While I was never able to properly fall in love with anyone in high school as I moved around a lot, I still found a fair share of people attractive. There was a pattern though. They were all girls. Beautiful girls. I knew I could easily fall in love with any of them had I gotten the chance back then. The thing is, this was new to me. I had no family member who was attracted to the same gender as them which made it quite scary to share with my parents. I kept it to myself until I turned eighteen which I randomly said while having dinner.
“I kind of have something to tell you now that I’m like…older.”
“Of course, mija. What is it? Something wrong?” My mother asked.
“Uh…no. At least I hope so.”
“Don’t tell me you want to quit stealing and pursue a more ‘normal’ career path,” said my father, intrusive as always.
“No. Not at all. It’s about what I like. As in dating and stuff,” I looked at them both.
“Mija, you know you can date as long as it does affect our activities or puts us at risk of getting caught,” my mom said sweetly. Who’d know the kinds of “activities” our family does by her tone?
“I know. It’s not that. I just…I think I like women. I’m quite sure, actually.” I felt like I could vomit from nervousness right there.
“That’s it? That’s what you had to say?” My dad responded.
“Yeah. I thought you should know.”
“As long as you keep up the great work you’ve done, we’ll always support you, hija,” said my mother with a cheesy grin. While it was a relief it did show me how much they care more about stealing than me and my life which is not a really positive thing to be aware of. I moved forward either way. That’s when Rosinda came along.
The first time I saw her at that jewelry store I was never the same. I planned on robbing the place but that precious beauty threw the whole plan out the window. Actually, it was more as if she threw it right in a trash can and burned it. That beautiful blonde with such precious dark green eyes looked at me as she talked to an older man, the store’s owner who was also her father I later learned. I fell for my possible victim’s daughter. I messed up big time but my plan changed. I wanted to steal her heart.
I had to get over myself and go up to her as she was about to leave.
“Excuse me miss,” I said as I went after her. She hummed before responding.
“Something I can do for you or did I drop something? Clumsy me,” she smiled as she said it. So. Sweet. So. Precious.
“Um no. You didn’t drop anything and I don’t really need anything from you. Well, kind of, I guess.”
“Of course, girlie. What’s up?” I had to come up with something right there.
“You…you're really pretty. Beautiful, actually. What’s your name, by the way?”
“Aw thank you! I’m Rosinda but some people call me Rosie. You can call me any way you want though. What’s your name?” She slightly blushed making me go feral but I had to keep my cool.
“Clotilde. I know, kind of an old lady name. I know this is kind of weird and off putting but, can we see each other again somewhere else? I really like your vibe.” I liked her but I couldn’t be so obvious.
“I know I should be wary of strangers but I feel like I can trust you. Let me get your number, girl.” My heart raced but couldn’t get my hopes up. I gave her my number and I smiled after.
“I guess I’ll hear from you soon. Just so you know, I’ll be waiting impatiently for you to reach out.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll never keep you waiting for too long.” I met my match.
~
Before we met up we talked on the phone a lot. Especially late at night which was slightly distracting when planning how to steal from some other store that’s not her father’s. To be honest, I didn’t mind it even if my parents were slightly annoyed by it.
“When are we going to meet up, Rosita? I need to see you.”
“Amor, soon. Are you free this weekend to get brunch or something?” That amor got my hopes way too high even if I know it’s a common nickname many Spanish speakers use.
“Yes. Of course. I’m always free for you, mí rosa.” I gave her the same energy.
“I like that. How do you feel about the restaurant that is right by my papi’s store?” I have no idea what they serve or not but I don’t care.
“That sounds perfect. Yeah. What time then?”
~
“Clotilde, so nice to see again, girl.” Seeing her again made me nervous and shy but I wanted her more than that.
“Hi, Rosie. So good to see you again. You look more beautiful today.” She went up and hugged me letting me breathe in her scent. She was wearing a sweet flowery perfume which I quickly fell in love with.
“Lets go sit down. I’ve been waiting for this the whole week.” That makes two of us.
“We just met like a week and a half ago,” I said as I walked to our table.
“That’s more than enough for me. I like how I feel when I’m around you.” Is this a hint of something more? I can’t tell.
“Rosinda?” I debated on my mind if I should tell her how I feel or not.
“What is it?” The waiter came to take our order at this exact moment. I get flustered but I try to act like nothing happened.
“Have you been here before?” I asked after the waiter left.
“Yeah. Especially since it’s so close to my father’s shop.” That didn’t work well.
“Yes, of course. Silly me.”
“Is something going on, Clotilde?” Confirmed.
“Um, no. Why do you ask?”
“You’re like blushing a lot and kind of shy. Are you like, into me or something?” Caught right there but I don’t know if she feels the same way or not.
“Maybe I’m into you. Would that change anything?”
“Yes. A lot, actually.” My heart sank.
“Rosinda, I’m so sorry,” I barely got to say anything else before she spoke again.
“Things would change because I’d want for us to date and eventually be your official girlfriend.” My jaw dropped but I tried my best to control myself.
“Really, Rosinda? You really want that?”
“Yes, Clotilde. I just have one condition.” This did frightened me but I still couldn't let go of what hasn't happened yet.
“What condition?”
“My family can't know about us. They…they don't know about my preference. They’re also not very accepting of people like you and me. They’re traditional religious people, the closed-minded kind, which makes it harder for me to come out. I'm sorry about that, Clotilde. I understand if you don't want to move forward with me.” Lucky for me I know how to hide around. I’m a thief after all.
“I can handle that. Call me crazy but I’d do anything for you. That's what I get just from your presence.” She smiled.
“Really?” She asked in a way that felt almost as if she was teasing me.
“Yes,” was all I said.
~
Dating Rosinda was the most fulfilling experience I had in my life. She had such a contagious spark and the secrecy was so exciting. My favorite thing was to sneak out at night. Well, she’d lie to her parents to go see me and then we would just look at the sky. I got too comfortable around her which was a blessing and a curse.
“This is weird but we’ve been dating for over two months and I still don't know your full name,” she told me as we laid on our backs looking at the stars. I instantly shared.
“Clotilde Zuzunada. Yours is Rosinda Velez. I know that, for sure. I like your sewing work, by the way.” She didn’t acknowledge my compliment at all.
“Zuzunada? Like that family that does heists and other illegal stuff?”
“It's not like their last name. It is my family's last name. We're related. Like my whole family background.” Yes, I basically confessed to her putting my family and I on the line just for this girl which I then realized was quite risky. She looked at me when I finished telling her.
“For real?”
“Yes. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. Actually, I’m sorry for approaching you. I know this is selfish but I wanted to know what being in love felt like.”
“That's okay, Clotilde. It's not like you're involved in that or anything, right?” I pictured the end of our brief relationship at that moment. That simple thought felt like a nightmare.
“Would that change things between us?”
“To some extent, yes. I can't lie to you.”
“Well, I actually am actively involved and I have partaken in my own personal ‘jobs’ here and there.”
“What jobs?”
“Like fraud and theft. I still am but I haven't done it much since we've been dating.” She caressed my cheek to comfort me. My parents have been complaining that I’m not useful enough anymore.
“I know it's your family, Clotilde, but you can also break the cycle. I’ve been thinking about doing that for a little while. I’ve thought about it more now that I’ve met you.” Not too bad so far.
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been thinking about leaving my family behind just to be with you. You can also do that and turn your life around, Clotilde. We can do it together.” I was shocked but conflicted.
“You’d do that for me?”
“Yes. That's how much I love you,” she said and my eyes teared up. She loved me.
“Rosinda, do you really mean it?”
“I don't mess around like that. I’m serious.” I didn't even know how to respond to that.
“Rosinda, I just…I love you too. Like so much that I can't even explain.”
“Then let's go, Clotilde,” she said with a shy smile. Her pale pink lips slightly quirked up. I loved those lips so much.
“Let's go do what?”
“Leave it all behind. Our families, our current lives, all of it.” I was taken aback by her words.
“Rosinda,” I tried to respond but I couldn't put it into words. She just caressed my cheek.
“Please. I’m so tired of pretending and I want you, Clotilde. I feel like you're my person and I don't want to cut ties with you just because of my family.” Her words rocked me for various reasons. One of them is that it sounds like a good idea that is worth considering. It sounds perfect actually. On the other hand I have the excitement and satisfaction I get from all of my family’s sneaky business. The thrill of taking what's not mine and feeling satisfied I didn't get caught. It was also a weird sense of security. I don't know if I love it more than Rosinda though.
“Rosinda, it's not easy for me.”
“You think it's easy for me?”
“I don't think it's easy for you but I do have more things to consider,” I explained and she put her hand away.
“You know I’ll be giving up my share of all our jewelry stores, right?”
“And I’ll leave all of the thrill and security of being with my family,” I said and I sat up which she also did.
“What thrill? Theft?” She doesn't get it. Only my family did.
“For me it's more than that.”
“More than me?” Her eyes teared up and I felt weak. This wasn't my intention at all.
“I don't mean that. I just can't make a decision like that especially when it concerns such a fundamental part of my life,” my voice cracked and I hated it.
“And I can? Clotilde, I’m done with this. I don't want to hide around anymore and I’ll never put up with your family’s criminal activities. You need to make a decision soon. It's either your life of crime or me.” My heart shattered into a million pieces. I forgot that love didn't come without some extent of pain and suffering.
“Please,” I said, which came out almost like a whisper.
“I'm done. Make up your mind and don't contact me before you’ve made a decision,” then she stood up and left me in pieces. She really did make me consider leaving it all behind even if it was so new to me. One thing was certain, I was losing Rosinda.
~
“Clotilde, what’s going on with you? You’re not contributing to this family like you used to. That Rosita girl has you way too distracted, mija,” my mom said and sat next to me on my bed.
“It’s not that. I’ve slowed down a bit which I’m aware of but…things don’t feel right.”
“You do look sad all the time. I know something has to be going on.” Looks like I can’t hide it.
“Yeah. We haven’t talked in a while because things are complicated between us.”
“How come?”
“Her family isn’t supportive. They’re very closed minded so we can’t openly be together unless…” I can’t tell her what Rosinda suggested.
“Hija, I’m sorry. At the end of the day that’s her family and she probably can’t picture her life without them.” That was not the case, fortunately and unfortunately because of what the “positive” outcome required from me. I teared up.
“I can’t stop thinking about her though. She’s beautiful and so smart. I love it when she proudly wears what she has sewed and how excited she gets when she tells me how she made them. I love her.” My mom put her arm on my shoulders and rubbed her back.
“Ay, pobrecita hija. I’m so sorry but look at the other side. Not being tied down to someone helps you move around easier since we have to move constantly.”
“But mamá, I’ve never felt this way about anyone before,” I said, my voice cracking. She stayed silent and just hugged me for a while as I sobbed until she finally spoke.
“It’s for the best because you can’t be with someone that’s so different from us. You can’t betray us just for some girl. I’m sorry.”
~
I debated on how this conversation should take place: in person or on the phone. The second option felt easier but I decided to meet up with her at the same place this whole dilemma started.
“Clotilde,” she said as she ran up to me to give me a hug. I held her tightly and smelled her floral perfume.
“Mi Rosa,” I said and kissed her cheek.
“I love it when you call me that,” she said when we separated.
“So I made a decision since I know that’s what you’re expecting from our meeting.”
“Well, I’m very happy to see you but that would definitely be a plus,” she said with a smile which broke me.
“I thought about it a lot and it was really hard to make a decision but I think we should get this over with before it’s…worse I guess.” I tried to keep it together but gave up because I loved her and when she teared up I could tell she knew.
“Clotilde, I knew I was asking for too much but I still hoped you’d leave with me at the end,” she said and tried to smile as she wiped her tears. What if I just start a new life with her?
“You didn’t ask for too much. I just wasn’t enough for you which I’ll always be sorry for,” I cried and I just wanted to hold her again. Just one more time.
“You’re not too little for me, Clotilde,” she said and I walked up to her. I put my hands on her cheeks and wiped away her tears.
“I’m way too little for you, Rosinda. Do you want to know why?” She just nodded. “Because I didn’t choose you and I hate myself for that but it’s all I can do.” I also wanted to tell her that I was a coward. That I was afraid of what would happen to me if I left my family but I didn’t. Then she took my hands off her face and held them.
“I understand you, alright? Don’t blame yourself. It just wasn’t meant to be. You and me. We weren’t meant to be.” Then she sobbed and so did I. I hugged her. Held her one last time while I thought of what could’ve been if our circumstances or timing was different. It didn’t matter now as this is all we got. We parted ways and I was never the same woman I once was.