Camila stared at the mirror and looked at herself with tears falling down her eyes. She was thankful she was not wearing makeup that day. She had made her way to the bathroom when she realized she had started crying while sitting down on a bench. She knew this might happen but she despised it at that moment. She had just gotten a zero on an “overdue assignment” that wasn’t announced. She still thought it was her fault. That she was the problem. She was a failure. That was why, when she was explaining to Emilio on the phone she eventually started tearing up. She wishes she hadn’t called him so publicly. She was embarrassed but also too sad to really feel embarrassed or feel anything at all.
“I…I don’t know if I can do this anymore,” she slightly sobbed.
“It’s going to be alright,” he replied but he couldn’t even believe it himself. He has been struggling quite a lot too. He had been doing bad even at what he thought he was good at.
“I just can’t keep feeling like this. I’ve done so much already. My life is a mess. I’m not going to retake a stupid class.” She could feel it. She was about to feel her first emotional low since starting college and she was only a month and a half in. Camila knew it was not going to be great or fun like people say, but she didn’t think it was going to be this bad.
“I know. We’ll figure it out, alright? Either for your class or for alternate plans out of college.”
“I just also can’t quit. I…I can’t disappoint my family like that. There’s already enough people waiting for me to fail and my family wouldn’t want me to give them the pleasure of seeing me fail.”
“I thought you said that didn’t make you a failure,” he said as she sobbed on the other side of the line. She was shaking. She was very anxious and she didn’t have her medication with her.
“I’m not who I used to be. I don’t think so,” she said and someone walked in. She didn’t think about that due to her depressive state. She left and found somewhere isolated outside.
Camila and Emilio weren’t dating but they were more than friends. Camila didn’t mind the idea of being something more with Emilio like when someone suggested dating her other male friends. She saw the rest of her male friends very brotherly but Emilio was different. They met at a college event and she approached him because he kind of looked like the guys she’d go for. Dark hair, dark eyes, alternative style and piercings. Not that she had a partner before or even tried to pursue someone. But Emilio didn’t look like a brother to her. Still, they’d never officially dated or anything. They’ve just been flirty with each other and shared some hugs and affection she didn’t share with her other friends. One of these things is sharing their deepest thoughts with each other.
“I know I just started like two weeks ago but I'm thinking of leaving this place every single day,” Camila told him one night as they were waiting for her sister to pick her up. He was playing his guitar and his hair slightly covered his eyes.
“Transfer?”
“No. Like leaving academia as a whole. I’m kind of feeling unfulfilled right now,” she said and let out a giggle to mask her disappointment. She swung her legs back and forth as she was sitting on a bench with him.
“It’s just the first year.”
“And then it’ll be the second year, then the third and finally the fourth. By that point what? Even worse, maybe?”
“Don’t skip ahead yet. It’s too early,” he said as he strummed a few cords. He was an aspiring independent artist that uploaded music on the internet here and there. Still didn’t have a stable career or even a career really. That’s why he was studying marketing, he thought that would get him a stable career. “I’m just living. Getting by.”
“Same,” she said as she looked at her feet. She asked herself if that was really living but she didn’t want to be so pessimistic. She felt alright with Emilio. That was at least one positive. Most of her positives were with him. Atleast, at the beginning.
“Copycat,” he told her and ruffled her hair.
“Stop, idiot,” she said between laughs as she tried to put his hand away. They have some kind of unique closeness they gained quickly. Though, this was mostly what they’d do.
“Do you want me to go to you?” He asked her as she tried to hide somewhere in the library. She didn’t have to think twice.
“Yes, please.” He hung up and a few moments later, he was there.
“You’d look great in an all black outfit,” he told her as she looked at herself in the mirror. She was shopping with a friend and they found each other.
“I don’t think so. That’s a you thing.”
“You’re a me thing,” he said and she rolled her eyes.
“Shut up,” she said with a slight giggle.
“Not with that laugh,” he said as he appreciated her warm presence. She could light up a room and in just the three weeks they had known each other at that point, he knew it. He also appreciated it very much. That’s why he missed it now that it was gone.
He found her between two bookshelves, sitting on the ground. He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tightly. Trying to make her feel better as if he wasn’t broken himself. Another thing they had in common now.
He stared at the screen of his laptop, scared of what he had just read. “Due Apr. 25 at 11:59 PM,” read below an assignment he planned on doing the next day. That’s not an option anymore. The assignment was due in less than three hours after he read the deadline. He was convinced it was due on the 26th. That was why he hadn’t written his conclusion or edited anything. Guilt consumed him. He was lost. He only thought about one possible way to feel some sort of comfort. That is when he called Camila.
“Emilio…” she said after she answered the phone and could only hear silence.
“I messed up…like badly,” he finally replied, sounding more like a whisper.
“What happened? Are you alright?”
“No. I’m not. I’m stupid…and irresponsible. I should do better but I can’t,” he tried to explain but he felt so down to the point that talking felt like a chore.
“Emilio, you’re not any of that. I know that because I know you. Could you please tell me what happened?”
“I have less than three hours to do an assignment that is worth 20% of my grade. I’m going to fail this class, Camila. All the work I’ve done is now gone,” he finally told her as he rubbed his forehead. He could only think about the hour-long study sessions he would do almost daily and tutoring he had been going through in order to succeed in that class.
“You don’t know that. There must be something we could do. Have you tried to email the instructor?”
“Already did but it’s too late. I’ll just have to accept it,” he said. Others might find him dramatic but to Emilio and Camila it was really hard to deal with. In a way, this was their whole lives.
“I…I’m sorry. You shouldn’t be having to go through this.”
“It kind of feels like I should be going through this. I put myself in this position by being irresponsible like I always have been. I guess I’m now a failure.”
“You’re not a failure, Emilio. A grade or class doesn't make you a failure.”
“Then why do I hate myself as if I was one?” In that moment there was complete silence.
“If you hate yourself that means you hate someone I love so much. I wouldn’t be able to forgive you for that,” she finally answered with tears forming in her eyes, feeling his pain as her own. But behind the comforting words they’d tell eachother there was a hidden truth. They both felt that they were comforting each other with empty words.
“Did you email the instructor?” He asked her while they sat down on a hammock. The sentence reminded him of how she comforted him just a week ago.
“Yes,” she replied quietly. He was holding her, trying to give her some comfort. Emilio wanted to take her sadness away so bad.
“We’ll just wait for a reply. It’ll be alright.”
“Maybe,” she sobbed but not as much as before.
“Someday, somehow we’ll be out of here and we’ll be happy. We’ll be proud of how much better we’re going to feel. I promise. Alright?” She tried to hide her face even more.
“You think?”
“Yes. Please believe me, Camila. This is just a small thing,” he told her and she finally looked up at him.
Emilio struggled to do anything other than school work ever since he started in college. This made him take a step back from making music.
“Are you working on anything?” Camila asked him once as they were leaving campus. Since he gave him his social media usernames she quickly found his music and listened to all of it. She became an avid listener though she hadn’t really told him yet.
“I wish. I’ve tried to. Written some stuff here and there, but I have other priorities now.”
“You should finish one of them at least. I bet they’re great,” she told him but he quickly shut down that idea.
“I’ve tried but I just start feeling guilty when I try. Like I’m wasting my time on silly stuff. Useless stuff.”
“Your songs aren’t silly, Emilio. They’re quite brilliant. I like them.”
“Have you listened to them?”
“Way too much,” she said and laughed.
“Really? God, that’s so embarrassing,” he said and he facepalmed causing her to laugh more. She could see how part of his dark black hair had grown to cover his eyes a bit.
“Why? I should be embarrassed of listening to your music like an obsessed fan. Well, I kind of am one,” she said smiling. He looked up at her.
“You’re like those crazy stalker fans, aren’t you?”
“For you I could be,” she joked.
“You don’t have to. I mean, I’d actually do anything just to have you with me all day everyday.”
“I’d never do that even if you paid me,” she said sarcastically.
“I know you’ll do it for free.”
“Nope.” She said and he got closer to her and whispered in her ear.
“Stop trying to hide the fact you’re obsessed with me.” Of course, she’d never let any of her other male friends tell her anything like this, but this was Emilio.
“That was stupid, wasn’t it? Me crying, I mean,” she said and let out a small laugh as she wiped her tears. Emilio finally smiled at her. They were still on the hammocks while Emilio held her.
“Things happen,” he replied to her and he caressed her cheek.
“Thank you.”
“For coming? That’s nothing,” he said and he looked away.
“No. For everything. Thank you for everything.” He looked back at her. With some of her sadness fading away she was away to admire his features that once caught her eye. Dark brown eyes and his soft expression even though he wasn’t the type others would consider “soft”.
“Well, what else am I going to do, Camila?” He asked her, leaving out a part he was still debating telling her or not.
“Stop putting up with my stupidity,” she joked and finally let out a genuine laugh. That was it. That was the real Camila he knew. He took this as a confirmation that he should tell her what he felt at that moment.
“Camila, I hope you know that I…don’t know how to explain. I’ve been thinking about what you told me last week. I didn’t say anything back then because I didn’t feel great as you could tell. Your words stuck with me even if I didn’t show it that day. But I can tell you now that I’m better. I love you too, Camila,” he finally confessed, making her look at him in shock.
“But right now I’m struggling to even handle myself.” He put his hands on her shoulders.
“Camila, I’ll love you even when you can’t handle yourself,” he told her because as long as she had him, she wasn’t alone. They were both struggling and may continue to struggle but they’ll figure it out. They always do. The end.